One Alive, One Dead, And One No Longer Living
by TheColdFlame
Summary: Elena was alive, in a sense, well she was up and living, which was good he supposed, but no one could expect him to be happy about it, because 'Ric was dead, and he wasn't really living any more.


**I don't like authors notes so this will be short. Basically, I was horrendously disappointed with the lack of 'Ric/Damon angst because I mean, c'mon, they're the most obvious non cannon pairing in VD's and 'Ric just _died_ in Damon's _arms._ Seriously, even if I didn't ship them I would be looking for sad fics anyway because if anything, they were best friends. So yeah, to solve this i thought I'd write one of my own. I'm also in the process (kinda) of writing another one so._  
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**I wasn't too sure about the title of this, if anyone has any better suggestions i'd appreciate the help.**

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**One Alive, One Dead, And One No Longer Living**

Elena was alive, and that was good, he supposed, but then, she wasn't really alive, was she? She wasn't _alive_ but she was still there, still up and walking and talking and _living_. That was more than he could say for himself because how could he say that he was still living when he'd just watched his best friend die in his arms with no way of saving him and no way of knowing if he was simply going to go back up again like he had all those times before. No way of knowing if he was going to get back up again, a scowl on his face, a glass of bourbon in his hand, a little bit crazier than before but still _'Ric _and still there, living.

But 'Ric hadn't got up, he wasn't alive like Elena was, no he was _gone_, slipped away in his arms. So it was good, that Elena was living, smiling, walking and talking but no one expected him to be too happy about it, how could they? How could they when he had watched his best friend die as he held him, his only friend.

Most of them understood, kind of; understood that he couldn't be happy because 'Ric wasn't with them anymore, with _him_ anymore, because 'Ric had been his friend. So yes, they kind of understood except it was worse than that, because they weren't _just_ friends. Of course they weren't _only_ friends, how could they be? That's where they'd started, of course, hunting each other and killing each other until they had formed a quiet, tentative friendship that was all he had ever had and all he needed. Someone who wasn't his brother, who just didn't know how to _stop_hurting him, or Elena, who continued to break his heart. And there they were, with a quiet friendship that he needed and 'Ric liked and maybe wanted and it was good, but that was only how they started out.

That was how they started out but it wasn't how they ended. It's how everyone thinks they ended, two close friends saying goodbye. They didn't know that it was his lover he had held as he faded from existence, his 'Ric that he had watched loose the light in his eyes. They didn't know that he hadn't even said goodbye, not then anyway, not like in the tomb where they had drunk and sat together and said endless silent goodbyes until he had faded, but those hadn't been goodbyes, really, because he hadn't gone, not really.

The others thought it was the end, that it was no longer 'Ric after that, when he had got up again violent and murderous. They didn't understand that 'Ric was still there, only sleeping, they wouldn't believe that, but he _had_to. He couldn't go on thinking that it was someone else in 'Rics body that he knew so intimately from the time they had spent together, wrapped up in each other. It had to be 'Ric in there, because he had 'Rics memories, 'Ric knew him and his body just as well as he knew 'Rics and so did this other cold creature that was still 'Ric but not.

This Not 'Ric still had 'Rics memories, still had his habits. He still had 'Rics smirk and the look in his eyes and still knew everything 'Ric knew. He still knew what to say to hurt him, what buttons to push. He still knew how to make his day instantly better or worse. This Not 'Ric still knew that if he held him just like _that_ he would melt, feel safe even when he wasn't, knew that if he told him _this_ he would smile and feel warm and happy for the rest of the day. This Not 'Ric still knew that if he touched him just _there_ he would cry out in pleasure. He missed that, the feeling of _safe_and warm and happy, and the strong fingers bringing him wonderful sensations that he never wanted to stop. But this Not 'Ric still knew all of this, because it still was 'Ric, he had taken comfort in that, he had to.

That had been his comfort in the days of Not 'Ric, that it _was_ 'Ric, somewhere, but it had also been his downfall. It had been what hurt him the most, to have this man with 'Rics warm eyes staring down at him with such fiery hate that had once been passion. This man that was 'Ric, somewhere, staring at him with disgust for who he was, what he was, a burning hate for everything about him. This man that he _loved_ with everything he was wishing him dead, trying to kill him. So in his last moments, ones that should have been filled with love and desire and pleading goodbyes and whispered _I love you_'s, all he could see were fading eyes filled with hate.

And he had held 'Ric in his arms, 'Rics love replaced with hate, desire with disgust and searing agony rather than goodbyes. Because there was no point in goodbyes, not to this Not 'Ric who wouldn't say it back, who wouldn't miss him like 'Ric would miss him. He had cried, of course, because it was agony, and he had shook uncontrollably, holding the man he loved in his arms pleading with the world to please let him see _his_ 'Ric one more time, not the Not 'Ric who hated him, to please let him look upon him with love once more; but he'd watched as 'Ric was taken from him, eyes showing nothing but disgust until they'd turned blank and unseeing. And there was no love of desire or goodbyes, but he couldn't stop himself from leaning close to his ear, tears choking his words, to whisper one last _I love you _before the end.

I love you.  
_I love you._  
"I love you," and now he had curled in his bed, it should have been _their_bed, repeating his whispered "I love you," waiting for 'Ric to come and pull him into his arms like he used to, and look at him with love, and kiss the shell of his ear, whispering his want for him, pressing into his back and run his hand up his sides and pull his clothes from his body and "'Ric," his words were a pleading pain filled whimper, "Please 'Ric, I need you." And he could have sworn he could feel them for a second, the strong hands on him, his love filling him, but only for a second and then it was gone. A choked sob left his lips and he quickly covered his mouth to stop it, sharp teeth biting his palm, his other arm tightening around the duvet, pulling it closer around him, letting the warmth envelop him. And he cried.

He cried because he was alone, again. Cold and helpless and alone, searching for warmth and love in places where he would find none. Hoping and wishing and pleading that he could have 'Ric with him again, needing to know what to do, how to go on. He cried until Stefan returned, until he heard his brothers' distress and climbed the stairs to his room, pulling the covers up and crawling into the bed with his brother and gathering him into his arms and holding him. Holding him because he needed to be held, and maybe not by him, because Stefan wasn't who he had been calling for but was all he was going to get.

He didn't know what was between his brother and Alaric Saltzman, but as he held his devastated brother for the first time since they were children, watched at he clutched desperately at Stefan, begging and calling for  
"'Ric," he shuddered, "'Ric _please_, where are you? Come back," he knew that what they had, had been more than he had ever imagined. It was almost unbearable; to see his brother like this, crying out for the one that he loved that would never be there to love him back ever again. It was the worst moment of his life, because by the end of it, when his brother had cried himself into a restless slumber, he was well aware of how it was now, at the end of the day.

Elena was alive, 'Ric was dead, and Damon was no longer living.

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**So I hoped you liked it, I wasn't to sure about it, my one shots seem to turn out in this style whilst anything else I write is different. Let me know if you like the way it's written, I wish I could write longer things like this sometimes.  
Please leave a review and maybe check out my other writing.  
Josi**


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